thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
