Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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