Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i think i just lost a toe
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
