We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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