I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He kissed a someone with a penis
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
