1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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