Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
