The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
