I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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