You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
