first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
