I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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