perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
May the power of my ass compel you!!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
