Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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