Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
