I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So vagazzling was a success
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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