I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
