My nipple is on Facebook.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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