glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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