I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
nutella sex= disaster
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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