Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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