Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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