I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
