were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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