Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
