Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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