I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
