in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
