when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
