I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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