he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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