My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
