it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
