Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
