They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
