I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
