I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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