Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
