i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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