Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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