My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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