i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
