Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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