So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
