i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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