Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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