dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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