I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
