You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
