Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So squirting runs in the family.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
