I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
