That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
organizing the empties. That sober.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
