She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
