i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
