I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
